September 29, 2012

How To Spot A Narcissist

A Narcissist Will Never Meet You Halfway.

The first in a series of lessons on how to spot a narcissist and avoid the shenanigans they create.

H/T: How To Spot A Narcissist - Lesson 1

I finished my book today! :)

I finished my book today: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

This book is awesome! I really loved it, a lot! I have always wanted to understand and make sense of my life. I feel that is what this book helped me to do. This book also showed me how to come out on the other side of my grief. It's like a huge weight has been lifted!

It's good to know I am not narcissistically impaired! It's wonderful to have affirmation and acknowledgment! I have picked up so many new ideas! I am on my way to recovery! I have freed myself from unrealistic expectations and can follow my own values and passions!

Parental Hierarchy

Your children are not supposed to be your friends. Keep boundaries between parents and children. All children are meant to be on the same level. Don't share adult information with them and overload them with your adult problems. It is not your children's job to meet your needs. It is your job to meet theirs. ~Karyl McBride

Learning from Listening

I pray that I may learn from listening~whether or not I agree with what I hear.

Not listening is a disease

It is the disease of not listening...that I am troubled with.
~William Shakespeare

Listen and Learn

Listen and learn is sound doctrine, if we use it well. We don't make significant progress in our thinking if we're only listening to ourselves talk.

September 28, 2012

I Love this Little Girl :)

She's a Cute One.
She's a Sweetheart. 
She has a BIG Heart. 
She Loves Jesus. 
She's Loves her Family. 
She Loves her Sweet Kiddos. 
She Loves her Husband. 
She's a Great Friend. 
She's Loyal. 
She's Pretty. 
She's Strong. 
She's Courageous. 
She is Loved. 
She's Encouraging. 
She's Important. 
She's a Great Mom.
She is Smart. 
She is a Good Wife. 
She is Enough.
I. Am. Enough.

Forgiveness Lyrics

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have to say the word...


It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge 
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'set it free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

H/T: Matthew West - Forgiveness (Lyrics)


The word "forgiveness" is laden with meaning and misunderstanding. Many daughters were taught at a very early age that nice girls forgive and forget. The clear message is that we are expected to forgive anyone who has hurt us because it is the right thing to do.

While I do believe in the rightness and importance of forgiveness and in the emotional benefits it can give you, I do see it in a different light. Forgiveness is positive and healing when we can see that the person's intentions were not to hurt us. But we do ourselves no good when we try to deny the pain we felt. And we can actually set ourselves up for further harm when we don't deal with the reality that we were hurt and that the person is likely to hurt us again~whether inadvertently or on purpose.

Many people misconstrue forgiveness as somehow condoning the original offending behavior, as if saying that it is all right. But I believe that accountability is crucial for mental health. So I counsel you to pardon only someone who is accountable for her behavior, when she has owned up to it, has become conscious of it, and is truly sorry for having done it. While this may sound harsh, not many narcissistic mothers do this, so I do not advocate pardons for most of them.

I do advise that you practice a kind of inner letting go, however~for your own good. Daughters of narcissistic mothers have been unloved, and many have been abused physically, sexually, and emotionally. We do not condone bad mothering. We do not condone ignoring the basic needs and rights of children. But you do have to let go of this past internally, so that you, the daughter, can also let go of your anger, rage, and sadness. You forgive by forgoing these negative emotions so that you can go on for the rest of your life.

Step One of the grief process allows you to accomplish the internal letting go. Afterward, you will have an internal feeling that is more neutral; you will no longer have the intense emotions you once associated with your mother. This neutrality allows you to keep that feeling of letting go. It feels like internal forgiveness. It is your gift to yourself.


"The first and often the only person to be healed by forgiveness is the person who does the forgiveness....When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us."

H/T: Lewis Smedes, Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve

My theory and practice of forgiveness is not the only way. Many daughters find it helpful to draw on their religious or spiritual backgrounds to help them forgive. Twelve-step addiction programs advocate that true forgiveness is when you can wish the person well who has hurt you and pray for her to have all that she wishes for. They also take it a step further and suggest that you pray for the hurtful person to have all the things that you want for yourself~health, wealth, and happiness.

"Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour, unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family."

H/T: Henry Nouwen, The Only Necessary Thing

My main concern for your recovery is that the form of forgiveness that you choose to implement eradicates blame so thoroughly that you have no traces of feeling like a victim. For if you continue to live in a victim mentality, you are at risk of defining your life based on your wounds. That would mean that you were allowing yourself to be controlled by your mother's failures. Being free from the feeling of victimization is a true sign of recovery.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D., Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Narcissists Commonly Cut People Off

Narcissists commonly cut people off and out of their lives due to their shallow emotional style of seeing others as either good or bad. Everything is black or white to them. If you have seen your mother do this, your fear of abandonment is very real. But you must assess it in realistic terms. If she has already abandoned you emotionally, she truly does not have the power to do much more that could wreak equal or similar devastation.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Action of Duty

Your proper concern is alone the action of duty, not the fruits of the action. Cast then away all desire and fear for the fruits, and perform your duty. ~The Bhagavad Gita

I Am Enough

September 27, 2012

It's Me

Stalia Stalia

MY Girls have BIG Hearts!!!

How many of these bumper stickers have we seen? Where are the bumper stickers that say "My kid has a big heart," "My kid is honest," "My kid is kind"? A significant problem I see in my practice today is too many parents unable or unwilling to tune in to who their child is as a person. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, you should beware of this major pitfall. Your child's accomplishments are not who your child is.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

MY GIRLS have BIG Hearts!!!

Investing In Myself and My Family

When a daughter chooses to invest in herself, face the wounded childhood and history, and complete the recovery process (to come in part 3), things begin to change. Learning to stop the repetition compulsion, to separate from your mother, build your own sense of self, and free yourself from the damaging internalized messages, you set out on a whole new healthy, optimistic journey. ~Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

Here's how I read it...

When I choose to invest in myself, face the wounded childhood and history, and complete the recovery process (to come in part 3), things begin to change. Learning to stop the repetition compulsion, to separate from my mother and all of my impossible people, build my own sense of self, and free myself from the damaging internalized messages, I set out on a whole new healthy, optimistic journey. 

GO ME!!! 

I have worked through the deep-rooted narcissistic abuse from my childhood, so I am now living a happier life with myself, my daughters, my husband and family. I have given up the old hope of getting my mother's love and the love of impossible people. In turn, the love in my heart is overflowing and more powerful than I ever imagined possible.

GO ME!!!

That picture at the top of the page is me when I was 5 years old in Kindergarten. The picture of my beautiful, wonderful, awesome family from left to right was taken last Christmas when we were celebrating Fiona's 8th birthday: Fiona, Don, Kinsley, Lauren and Me.

September 26, 2012

Family Secrets

Narcissistic families are disconnected emotionally. They may appear solid on the exterior, but authentic communication and connections between the members rarely take place because the parents in this family are focused on themselves. They expect the children to react to their needs, instead of the other way around, as in a healthy family. In this dysfunctional system, adults do not deal with real feelings, and therefore do not meet the emotional needs of the children.


In a family with a narcissistic mother, everybody attends to the mother, and other family members' needs are not met. In the narcissistic family the mother is at the center of the system with the rest of the family revolving around her, like the planets revolving around the sun.


The unspoken rule in these families is that they do not discuss this dynamic and it becomes a family secret. In order to maintain the peace, the children have to keep quiet and not rock the boat.


Oftentimes when Mother is narcissistic, she may be able to do some of the earlier nurturing because she has control of the infant and small child and can mold the child to her wishes. But as the child grows older and develops a mind of her own, the mother loses control and no longer has the same kind of power. This causes the mother to begin her demeaning, critical behavior with the child, in hope of regaining that control, which is crazy-making for the daughter. Even if she learned a modicum of trust as an infant, she begins to unlearn it as she grows older. As she makes natural, reasonable demands on her mother, who is unable to meet them, the mother becomes resentful and threatened, and projects her inadequacies onto the daughter. She begins to focus on the daughter's failings, rather than on her own limited ability to parent effectively.


Narcissistic families commonly have a skewed, ineffective communication style called "triangulation." Instead of the mother talking to the daughter, the mother may express her thoughts and feelings~usually negative and criticizing~to another family member in the hope that he or she will tell the daughter. Then the mother can deny that she said it, although the message somehow got out there anyway. This triangulation in communication is passive-aggressive and is an expression of the sentiment "I will get you back, but not directly to your face." Many families, unfortunately, communicate in this dysfunctional manner, but narcissistic families are the poster example.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Where Is Daddy?

The answer is clear: Father is revolving around Mother like a planet around the sun. The narcissist needs to be married to a spouse who will allow her to be at the center of all the action. That is how it has to be if the marriage is to survive. In the family drama, the narcissist is the start, and her spouse takes a supporting role. 

A man gets himself into this situation for many reasons, but for our discussion the most pertinent point is that he is the kind of person who accepts this behavior form his spouse and, most of the time, enables her. Perhaps he doesn't always want to, but he does, because he has learned over time that this is what works with her. Because the father focuses on his wife, his pact with the mother can make him look narcissistic too. He is unable to attend to the needs of his daughter. 


This unspoken agreement between parents who share a narcissistic nest is strong and impenetrable to anyone, but especially a daughter, who is seen as competition by the mother. 


The emotional health of daughters of narcissistic mothers is in effect sacrificed so that their father can keep the peace with his wife. 

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D. 

Negative Results

A positive attitude about a negative behavior makes for a negative result.

September 24, 2012

The Narcissistic Family

The narcissistic family often resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside. It looks great, until you bite into it and discover the worm. The rest of the apple may be just fine but you've lost your appetite. ~Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman, The Narcissistic Family

The Psychosomatic

The psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her, including her daughter, or their needs. If your mother was like this, the only way you were able to get attention from her was to take care of her. If you failed to respond to her, or even rebelled against her behavior, Mom would play the victim by becoming more ill or have an illness-related crisis to redirect your attention and make you feel guilty. I call this the "illness control method." Is very effective. If the daughter does not respond, she looks bad and feels like a loser who can't be nice to her mother. The more important thing to the psychosomatic mother is that her daughter be there to care for her and understand her.

Many times the psychosomatic mother uses her illnesses to escape from her feelings or from having to deal with a difficulty in life. The daughter will commonly hear from her father or other family members, "Don't tell your mother. It will upset her or make her sick." Some daughters learn that being sick themselves brings some attention from their psychosomatic mothers because illness provides a common bond. The mother can relate to illness and is able to communicate about it with the daughter, but the daughter must be careful not to be sicker than her mother is, because then the mother will not feel cared for, which she feels entitled to.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

I Will Not

I will not try to outwit or outmaneuver anyone else, but will proceed quietly to live my life so I will have less reason for self-reproach. I will withdraw my mind from what others do, and think of what I am doing. I will not react to challenging words and actions.

True Perspectives

As we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

September 23, 2012

I Am Free: WINNING! :)

My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation. They depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free.

Let it begin with me :)

Today I will "Let it begin with me." I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior; I can begin by refusing to accept it from myself. I can choose to behave courteously and with dignity.

Make Whatever Choices :)

I am powerless over other people's attitudes, but I don't have to permit them to goad me into lowering my own standards for myself. To the best of my ability, I choose to treat everyone I meet with courtesy. Other people are free to make whatever choices they prefer.

September 22, 2012



Off to raise some money for the kiddos!
Can't wait to pick up a t-shirt & snap some pictures. 
Domestic Violence sucks donkey balls. 
We sure do miss you. 
I'm pretty sure the Angels aren't quite sure what to make of you. 
They probably have no clue why they are smiling. 
They only know that it has something to do with you.
We really really miss you dude. 

World In My Eyes

Ha! :)

But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do YOU think of me?
~Bette Midler as CC Bloom in Beaches

The Ignoring Mother

Mothers who ignore or under-parent their daughters do not provide guidance, emotional support, or empathy. They consistently discount and deny your emotions. Even if, as my mother instilled in me, "I had a roof over my head, clothes to wear, food to eat, so what is the problem?" I was still in a lot of  inner pain~as are other daughters with mothers who ignore them.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

The woman who carried me

All of life, all history happens in the body. I am learning about the woman who carried me inside of hers.
~Sidda Walker, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Unimportant Trifles

When I concentrate on little things that annoy me, and they sprout resentments that grow bigger and bigger, I seem to forget how I could be "stretching" my world and broadening my perspective. That's the way to shrink troubles down to their real size. 

Worrying about trifles saps my spiritual energy which I could certainly put to better use. Am I willing to waste my life in this way?

When something or somebody is giving me trouble, let me see the incident in relation to the rest of my life, especially the part that is good, and for which I should be grateful. A wider view of my circumstances will make me better able to deal with all difficulties, big and little.

Today's Reminder

I refuse to let my serenity be drowned out by happenings that are in themselves unimportant. I will not be made uneasy by what others do, whether they intend to hurt me or not. I will not clutter up my thoughts with resentment; it would not profit me but, worse, it would hurt me.
"Why do we accept things that
trouble us, when we could do
something about them?"

Seven Times Hotter

The sense of feeling deserted is "the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual" (Dan. 3:19) into which it may be thrown. Blessed is the person who endures such an ordeal! ~Charles H. Spurgeon

September 21, 2012


An adult woman can hunt for and find her own value. She can graduate herself into importance. But during the shaky span from childhood to womanhood, a girl needs help in determining her worth~and no one can anoint her like her mother.
~Jan Waldron, Giving Away Simone

September 20, 2012

What is Narcissism?

The term narcissism comes from Greek mythology and the story of Narcissus. Narcissus was handsome, arrogant, and self-involved~and in love with his own image. He couldn't tear himself away from his reflection in a pool of water to become involved with anyone else, and ultimately his self-love consumed him. He died gazing at himself in the water. In everyday usage, a narcissist is someone who is arrogantly self-absorbed. Self-love or self-esteem, on the other hand has come to mean a healthy appreciation and regard for oneself that does not preclude the ability to love others.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

There was a little girl

There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good she was criticized anyway.
~Elan Golomb, Ph.D., Trapped in the Mirror

Vanilla Wafers for Breakfast

I have been neglecting my blog. Can you tell? I can tell. Yes, I'm sitting here eating Vanilla Wafers for breakfast. Why not? 

I have been kind of busy lately. This fall I am participating in a Bible study called "Real Truth....True Joy." It is the study of Galatians and Philippians. It is soooooo good. 

This year for AWANA I'm a T&T leader. I really love what I'm doing and I love working with kids. I've been volunteering for awhile now. I want to say I've been doing this for six years now, give or take? I have a few fun things planned for my group this year. I love it when my kids get excited about reading the Bible. It excites me, too! 

I need to clean my house. No, I ought to clean my house and I ought to start today. I think I will start the process today. No, I know I will start the process today. 

This Saturday is a fundraiser/benefit to help raise money for our cousin's kiddos. They lost their Mom to domestic violence. There will be a volley ball tournament, food, raffles, and all sorts of stuff to raise money for the kids. It's from noon until 11 pm at night. If you're in my area and you'd like to participate message me. If you're not in my area and you'd like to make a monetary donation message me and I will send you the pdf file for this event with all the information you need so you will know who to make the check out to and where to send it.

I finished my book, "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer yesterday. It's such a good book. Today I start a new book. It's called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

The Vanilla Wafers tasted pretty good. I only had a few of them. I don't make it a point to eat them for breakfast every time we have them. For today, I think it's okay.

September 19, 2012

Nothing is easier than self-deceit

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true. ~Δημοσθένης (Demosthenes)

September 17, 2012

Barely Breathing

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
A fool for another day

September 15, 2012


Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it. Acceptance can be empowering because it makes choice possible.

Beware of Your Expectations

Beware of your expectations for they become your reality. ~Elita Darby

Safeguarding our valuable only makes sense. Our homes, our families, our reputations are precious beyond price. Perhaps no valuable, however, needs more careful safeguarding than the integrity of our thoughts. For our habitual thoughts become reality.

If we allow ourselves, no matter how subconsciously, to mindlessly assume that the world's ways are predictable, fair, or controllable, then every knock that jostles us will be interpreted as a startling personal attack. We can easily see ourselves as victims of life rather than as participants.

If, however, we make sure to keep a balanced grasp of reality, many of the inconveniences, slights, and absurdities of life will be seen as just that: life as it is. Many, perhaps most, of the things that happen are not necessarily personal. Not necessarily pointed directly at us. When we expect life to be anything but what it is, we set ourselves up for unnecessary disappointment. ♥

My vision of life as it should be is rarely the same as life as it is. ♥

Stay away from Naysayers, Fools, Fast Talkers, Seducers, and Others who would nail our shoes to the floor.

This is too helpful to keep to myself. ♥

September 13

Beware no man more than thyself. ~Thomas Fuller

If we're serious about reconditioning our attitudes and thus our self-perception, we want to stack the odds in our favor as much as possible. For one thing, we should stay away from naysayers, fools, fast talkers, seducers~or any others who would nail our shoes to the floor when we want to move forward. It is a wise person indeed who knows who and what to avoid.

Yet it is also wise to remember that we ourselves are both our own best friend and worst enemy. Bad companions or not, no one can force us to do anything without our consent. Every day may bring dozens of invitations to cynicism, negativity, self-pity, stinking thinking~but we can turn them down. If we accept, however, we have only ourselves to blame. We opened the mail, after all; we picked up the phone.

Because of ignorance, jealousy, or fear, other people may throw rocks in our path. But the final analysis, WE are the ones with both the bad habits that need to be overcome and the power to overcome them. It is WE, not anyone else, who hold the key to all that power. ♥

I must be aware of the enemy within as well as the enemy without.

Giving is sweet; giving what I didn't get is even sweeter.

What can I say? I guess I'm on a roll today. People of sound mind have no excuses. None.

September 12

The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity. ~George Bernard Shaw

All of us remember hurtful times when we were snubbed or overlooked. Indifference can wound us as badly as hatred. How we handle those wounds is an accurate indication of how we handle our lives. Will those sore spots heal or fester, inspire or demoralize? Self-esteem decides.

Some fifty years ago a poor boy sat fishing with his cane pole on the banks of a river. Once in a while, a big, fancy boat would go by filled with laughing, well-dressed people. But none ever stopped. No one ever asked that little boy if he'd like to take a ride. The boy couldn't understand this. With a child's logic, he wondered why. After all, they had plenty of room, and they clearly saw him sitting there on the muddy bank. Some of them even waved. Why didn't they ask him to come along?

Today that young fisherman of yesteryear has several large boats of his own. Every week he invites groups of people who don't have access to such finery to join him on a nice, long boat ride. The pleasure he was denied he can now provide to others. And he never passes a boy on the riverbank without asking him if he'd like a ride. ♥

Giving is sweet; giving what I didn't get is even sweeter.

Old Habits Die Hard

Today I'm going to share a page out of my devotional titled: Believing In Myself by Earnie Larsen & Carol Hegarty

September 11

Habit is stronger than reason. ~George Santayana

Loving or despising ourselves becomes habitual. And habits, as all living things, are in the business of staying alive. When habits are attacked they put up immediate, heroic defenses. All habits do this~the healthy as well as the not so healthy. Thus a habitual self-despiser who attempts radical change can expect plenty of resistance. There's no other way it could be.

In the midst of our efforts to bolster self-image~if these efforts go against a long-held habit of self-defeat~all of a sudden we may find ourselves thinking, "I have a right to be any way I want to be," or "This self-renewal stuff is all fantasy. I am what I am and will always be that way."

Self-pity often rears its ugly head in defense of old habits. This ingrained spoiler may seductively tell us, "Poor me. I had it so bad growing up, I have an excuse for not trying," or "I just wasn't born with many gifts. Other people have a much easier time than I, so if I try to be better, I will only fail." Old habits die hard. Resistance is to be expected, seen for what it is~and counterresisted. ♥

Self-pity and despair are the bodyguards of long-enthroned habits.

September 10, 2012

The Disease of Impossible People

When I stop worrying about how others see things and focus on myself, I gain more serenity than I have ever known. I cannot control the disease of impossible people, but I can step away from its grip by honestly examining my motives and feelings.

Courage is Contagious

Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are stiffened. ~Billy Graham

September 8, 2012

Except by getting off his back

I sit on a man's back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means~except by getting off his back. ~Tolstoy

Doing and Getting

If I continue to do what I have always done, I will continue to get what I have always gotten.

We were about to land

This time last week we were about to land in Philadelphia, PA. What a happy memory we will always cherish!

That's all that really matters ♥

No matter what anyone thinks of you, God knows your heart and that's all that really matters ♥

I Love Coffee

I Am Delightfully Difficult! :)

I Am Awesome! :)

And don't you forget it! :) 

Hula Hooping in the Middle of Walmart

Well...we had to try them out, right? :]

I love how Kinsley throws her hands straight up in the air when she's testing the Hula Hoops. She's too stinkin' cute! :]

September 7, 2012

September 6, 2012

Honey, You Didn't Build That


Honesty, without compassion and understanding, is not honesty, but subtle hostility. ~Dr. Rose N. Franzblau


Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics: It is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality. ~John Gardner

Love is a decision

As I studied the subject of love, I learned that it's more than a gooey feeling. It's a decision you make about how you're going to treat people. ~Joyce Meyer

September 5, 2012

Our Future Meteorologist

Fiona (8) is obsessed with Full Force Nature on the Weather Channel. She is thinking about growing up to become a meteorologist. She was telling me today that she thinks it would be AWESOME to chase a storm but a little terrifying at the same time.