September 27, 2012

MY Girls have BIG Hearts!!!

How many of these bumper stickers have we seen? Where are the bumper stickers that say "My kid has a big heart," "My kid is honest," "My kid is kind"? A significant problem I see in my practice today is too many parents unable or unwilling to tune in to who their child is as a person. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, you should beware of this major pitfall. Your child's accomplishments are not who your child is.

H/T: Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

MY GIRLS have BIG Hearts!!!


  1. And, just as important, your child's accomplishments or lack thereof, are NOT a reflection of their parents. Parents should not view their kids as extensions of themselves. So many do that, unfortunately. Thanks for this post, it's important (those bumper stickers irritate me as well!). R.

  2. Or the fact that many parents expect children to fulfill the dreams that PARENTS didn't fulfill ("oh, you want to study theatre, NO, you HAVE to be a physician"). Please!! If you did not complete your own life projects then don't expect your kids to do so for you. Find a way of cultivating yourself as an adult instead of imposing your own dreams (and delusions) on your kid.

    Sorry about this rant! It's just that these posts are so important. R.

  3. R - I don't mind, not one bit. I totally get where you are coming from. I don't know if you have figured this out yet but I am healing from some things. I am a dysfunctional family survivor! This year I've been in self-help-mode. That's why you see the snips and quotes from things I have been immersing myself in. (((hugs)))

  4. Still a work in progress at age 41. I have a very mixed relationship with my parents-still learning to have a relationship w/them and to love them given unalterable realities and learning to accept what can can and can't be done. Above all, it's coming to terms with my own grief and pain- I mourn the relationship I never had and never will w/them yet, again, we try to love each other within the existing constraints and the burden of the past (which they don't fully understand why/how it impacted me; most of the dynamics are still there, including their less than healthy marital model).

    I know they love very much and have provided me with much support-in their own way-yet my mom inflicted much emotional, verbal and at time physical abuse. This was interspersed with acts of kindness that, as you can imagine, ended up producing a very confused, insecure and guilt ridden set of children.

    Dad was physically present but emotionally absent and, when he tried to get close, Mom sabotaged it.

    I've nonetheless been blessed in my life and am lucky to have finally, after years of picking the worst kind of man, to have found a wonderful soul I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be married to.

    Anyhow, I really commend you for speaking about these issues so candidly and encouraging all of us to keep seeking healthier, more affirmative lives through a more balanced and healed self. Lots of hugs to you too...R

    BTW-Kinsley resembles you in an uncanny way!

  5. R - Good for you for recognizing your relationships for what they are and for understanding that it's not you. Have you thought about going to talk to someone about your feelings? Going to talk to someone was the best thing I ever did for myself. I want to thank you for your candid honesty because it's not always easy to be vulnerable. I appreciate your experiences. As for Kinsley, you should see a picture that I have of myself when I was little. I will dig it out and post it. When I showed the picture to my eight year old she thought it was Kinsley but it was really me. Keep your eyes peeled for that one. (((hugs)))

  6. R - You are 41 and I am 42. When is your birthday? Mine is in March.

  7. Thanks, Angela, for your kind and thoughtful response. I have spoken to a therapist in the past, but I certainly should give it another round. It goes a long way.

    My birthday is in August!! And, oh my, that more recent picture of you as a little's like Kinsley on a "vintage instagram." :)

    Have a great weekend!!! R

  8. R - Hope you had a great weekend. We had a blast. Kids were off Friday and then again tomorrow. Some sort of teacher work days but w/out the students. Kinsley is definitely my mini-me. :] Thanks for leaving comments on my blog. It's nice to get them. It's also nice to know I'm not alone. Have a great week! I can't believe it's already October!


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